about ● chat ● links ● archives

Today was nineteenth to twentieth of January 2012. Some classmates and schoolmates has been accepted to some universities. I haven't. I thought it's okay. All of the sudden, I want to apply to faculty of visual arts or film making, but apparently it's too late. Once, it's okay. Everything would be just fine. I keep walking on my life just like nothing happens. I thought, things will go on as usual. I  thought.

No, it's not about my friends, or anyone else. It's me. Plus my perplexed brain.

This is just some quick thoughts when my friends told me their test results, or the admission results. I know, God has His own plan, His own way. I just didn't believe that people who were trying, who put so much effort, can't make it to the universities they want. You know, my mom always said, "Try, and there's nothing you can do. God knows who has tried." My mind said, it's true. The one who pay the most efforts will win. Again, I thought.

I can say they have done their best. I must say it. These friends of mine have told me that they spent so much money for some courses, from drawing classes to science classes. They don't want it to be spent in vain, of course.

Perhaps it's my brain that can't think about it clearly. But, I did also think that it's better not trying at all, because God has already made a way, a destiny for us. However, not trying means we never push ourselves to the limit, we will never go beyond the limit. Actually, we will not even know our limit.

So after all efforts we've done, God is still the judge. It doesn't always mean you fail because you don't make great efforts. Sometimes, often maybe, it means God want you to know that, "Son, you're walking on the wrong way. I'm trying to fix you, if only you trust me." Still, the hardest part is moving on.

They will make it. I know they will.

It seems like I know them more than I know myself. I recently remembered that my childhood ambition is to be a director or a scriptwriter. Long, long afterwards, it has changed to an architect, a psychologist, and even a product designer. They said hang your goals as high as the sky. I did. It's just I am not that eager to jump and achieve them. Did I make efforts? A little. A very little efforts. If so, then my life is full of luck, eventhough some people don't believe in luck.

Again and again these thoughts spinning in my head; if they who made efforts can fail, why can't I? Will my luck ever leave me? I have been a really laid back person. I had a peace and relaxed life. Now, I don't know, I feel guilty if I stayed at the same place, doing the same things all over again. It feels like this luckiness I have, is not mine. I don't deserve it. Luck is on the hand of the one who make efforts.

I will have some tests these months, national exams, school exams, and SNMPTN. I am afraid to fail. Especially with these two happenings. I really scared that God will say, "Enough." Will novena help me  through like it did when I was waiting for the announcement of St Ursula Junior High School? In this case, I think, acceptance is the most important thing. I accept, and let it go. It's hard, I know.

At last, it comes back to me. God is really the best scriptwriter indeed, but I am the best director of my own life too. I do what He wants me to do, in my own way.

*fellas, all I can say are, good luck, move on, and I'll be there for you :)